Pellets from the Universe

Next time you’re on a date, you might want to consider the following tips:

• Look up their public records to see if they’ve ever gotten a speeding ticket… or worse.
• Ask yourself, does he have a briefcase? Does he do important business with his briefcase or sell crack? Either way, find out if he carries a briefcase.
• Ask yourself, “Is he healthy and sane?” If so, delete his number. You don’t need someone boring.
• If the date goes well, move that conversation to Signal. That way you can share national secrets with each other.
• Be sure to ask him when you’re on the date, “Where do you see yourself in 90 years?”
• If he has a good job, say he’s an electrician, be sure to say, “Oh big deal over here!!” and make the jerk off motion.
• Be sure to ask if he has an Xmas stocking full of money from his parents that he uses to pay rent. This is important.
• Find out if he has health insurance. If he does, ask if you can have some of his health insurance. Tell him you have a lot of health problems and need some insurance.

Remember, I got your back.

One false move and I will sock that sucker right in the head with a shovel.

Right in the teeth.

One wrong move, I will bury that fucker alive in a grave that I dug with a shovel in somebody’s backyard at night. ❤