Me: I don’t want to take too much melatonin because I’m worried I’m gonna pee the bed.
BFF: Why’s having a body such a goddamn mess!
Category: Uncategorized
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It’s Probably Fine Now
When I went to college, I never learned anything about my fellow classmates during class discussion besides, “Wow, I’m worried for the future state of humanity.”
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Placenta Tree
I heard some people like to put their baby’s placenta under the roots of a tree to give it nutrients.
But does anybody ask the tree?
“Hey! Tree! You want a placenta under your roots??”
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Eulogy for My Best Friend
I’m really looking forward to delivering my best friend’s eulogy.
I’ve got some jokes I’ve been saving up for YEARS.
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Think About It
Imagine a 6′ 4″ man riding a children’s scooter.
Just barreling down the street.
Getting to work.
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KDot Forever
I wouldn’t hang out with Drake even if he wanted me to.
Even if Drake said he had a 40 foot bong.
I still wouldn’t come over.
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The Things I’d Do
I would come over to almost anyone’s house for a 40 foot bong rip.
Maybe even a serial killer.
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Airplane Classes
It’s weird how they divide the airplanes into classes.
Basic economy is like, they toss you an old carrot every once in a while into your kennel.
Then in first class they’re giving out complimentary blow jobs.
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A Beautiful Thing
I was thinking today about how explicit music isn’t banned by the government in America.
You can find music that says “shit” and “fuck” in it.
It’s a beautiful thing.
It’s in the Bible that music should be distributed freely that says “shit” and “fuck” in it, probably.
I think it was Moses who said that.
Right before he parted the Red Sea.
He was like, “Real quick, I gotta part the Red Sea.”
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Name One Genius That Ain’t Crazy
Van Gogh created some 2,000 artworks in his lifetime.
Which is an insane amount of painting time.
But I was also thinking, this was before television,
and so I’m not surprised at the same time because
what else is he gonna do?
Pellets from the Universe 