If I have to hear my husband get drunk and give me a TED Talk about the Beauty of Anime one more time, my tentacles are gonna bust out of my shirt and strangle him to death.
Category: Uncategorized
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Setting Aside a Moment for Pop Culture
I had no idea Benny Blanco and his monobrow were musicians.
I knew Selena Gomez wanted to marry him, but I figured it was because he just had a huge dick.
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Magic Mushrooms
Have you ever eaten magic mushrooms before?
I think it made me have a rapid bipolar cycle in 12 hours.
I wasn’t on any medications at the time.
I got suicidally depressed after the initial high.
When I was at the peak high, I laughed harder than I’ve ever laughed in my entire life, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to piss my pants or barf.
It was PAINFUL!
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Sobriety Anniversary
I’m 4 days away from my 1 year weed sobriety anniversary, but I can’t decide how I want to celebrate.
I think I either want to smoke a telephone pole size joint all at once and be the first person to die from weed, or I want to walk past a Taco Bell at 2am, walk through a misting of weed smoke from the drive thru, and immediately have a panic attack.
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Lying is Good
My husband’s mom made a gluten free bread that tastes like straight bird seed but I told him to tell his mom I loved it.
Sometimes lying is actually good.
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Maroon 5
They call themselves “Maroon 5,” but it’s actually 6 guys and not one of them wearing maroon.
*audience laughs nervously*
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Respect
I respect the troops.
I don’t care about a big battleship, though.
I thought I would.
Then I went on one and I didn’t care!
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Big Deal
My mom told me today that the old amalgam fillings I have in my teeth expand and put toxic metals in your brain.
I told her her, yeah, they’re probably putting toxic metals into our brains but there’s also plastic swimming around in there.
Who cares?
Pellets from the Universe 