Pellets from the Universe

Me: I don’t want to take too much melatonin because I’m worried I’m gonna pee the bed.

BFF: Why’s having a body such a goddamn mess!

When I went to college, I never learned anything about my fellow classmates during class discussion besides, “Wow, I’m worried for the future state of humanity.”

I heard some people like to put their baby’s placenta under the roots of a tree to give it nutrients.

But does anybody ask the tree?

“Hey! Tree! You want a placenta under your roots??”

I’m really looking forward to delivering my best friend’s eulogy.

I’ve got some jokes I’ve been saving up for YEARS.

Imagine a 6′ 4″ man riding a children’s scooter.

Just barreling down the street.

Getting to work.

I wouldn’t hang out with Drake even if he wanted me to.

Even if Drake said he had a 40 foot bong.

I still wouldn’t come over.

I would come over to almost anyone’s house for a 40 foot bong rip.

Maybe even a serial killer.

It’s weird how they divide the airplanes into classes.

Basic economy is like, they toss you an old carrot every once in a while into your kennel.

Then in first class they’re giving out complimentary blow jobs.

I was thinking today about how explicit music isn’t banned by the government in America.

You can find music that says “shit” and “fuck” in it.

It’s a beautiful thing.

It’s in the Bible that music should be distributed freely that says “shit” and “fuck” in it, probably.

I think it was Moses who said that.

Right before he parted the Red Sea.

He was like, “Real quick, I gotta part the Red Sea.”

Van Gogh created some 2,000 artworks in his lifetime.

Which is an insane amount of painting time.

But I was also thinking, this was before television,

and so I’m not surprised at the same time because

what else is he gonna do?