Pellets from the Universe

Watch out while driving today. There’s a possible chance of light rain.

Stay safe out there, guys!

What was Obama’s old slogan?

“Hope”?

“Change”?

“I Can Change”?

“I Can Change Him?”

Ah yes, that’s it.

I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska.

If I traveled to Alaska I’d take a photo of a totem pole.

I’d eat a crab feast.

What’s it called? A crab bake? It’s when you’re outside and they’re making a crab dinner.

I hope I get to see the lumberjack show!!

Oh I remember, it’s called a “Crab Wrangle”.

Human scientists put radio frequency out into the universe and nobody has ever responded to it.

Maybe there’s aliens but they don’t want to talk.

Maybe they got the radio signal and they’re just like, “Oh great. Another one of THESE.”

Next time you’re on a date, you might want to consider the following tips:

• Look up their public records to see if they’ve ever gotten a speeding ticket… or worse.
• Ask yourself, does he have a briefcase? Does he do important business with his briefcase or sell crack? Either way, find out if he carries a briefcase.
• Ask yourself, “Is he healthy and sane?” If so, delete his number. You don’t need someone boring.
• If the date goes well, move that conversation to Signal. That way you can share national secrets with each other.
• Be sure to ask him when you’re on the date, “Where do you see yourself in 90 years?”
• If he has a good job, say he’s an electrician, be sure to say, “Oh big deal over here!!” and make the jerk off motion.
• Be sure to ask if he has an Xmas stocking full of money from his parents that he uses to pay rent. This is important.
• Find out if he has health insurance. If he does, ask if you can have some of his health insurance. Tell him you have a lot of health problems and need some insurance.

Remember, I got your back.

One false move and I will sock that sucker right in the head with a shovel.

Right in the teeth.

One wrong move, I will bury that fucker alive in a grave that I dug with a shovel in somebody’s backyard at night. ❤

If I was a late night talk show host, I would have Will Ferrell on as a guest immediately.

But I would have him do mundane tasks and I’d say things like:

“Ladies and Gentlemen…. Will Ferrell unclogging his toilet!!!”

Long walks on the beach, collecting little glass wizards, and pickleball.

Owning a katana, watching anime, karate, and collecting pinecones.

Cooking, listening to the brown note, and crochet.

Owning fuzzy socks, burning his own hair, and smelling fresh pumpkins every fall.

Baking cookies, wandering around and “accidentally” running into an old ex, and looking at photos of kittens.

Playing scratch tickets, going crabbing, and having season tickets to Cirque de Soleil.

Eating a just baked quiche, selling crack, and reading the bible.

Celebrating birthdays with a homemade card, watching shark week, and itemizing his tax deductions.

Tossing together a fresh beet and goat cheese salad, practicing the occult, and supporting his allies every pride month.

Waving at neighbors on his morning jog, polishing his collection of civil war era rifles, and volunteering at the local nursing home.

Brewing fresh coffee, “forgetting” another month of child support payments, and making teddy bears for the local children’s hospital.

Winning at chess, doing open heart surgery without a license, and practicing cello.

Creating origami rabbits, busking for beer money, and recycling.

Ballroom dancing, hiding in clothes racks at ross and scaring customers, and frolicking with puppies.

Washing his 2024 toyota camry, eating that fish that can kill you if not properly prepared, and caring for his 94 year old nana.

So if you’re the kind of guy who fits this description hit me up and let’s go on a date!!

I think I’ve gotten too used to bussing my own table at restaurants.

I went on a cruise and I would start bussing my own table and the staff would have to tackle me to the ground to wrestle the plate out of my hands.

My birthday is coming up. I’ll be 38.

I feel like 37 lasted a long time.

Like I was 37 for about 5 years.

I’m going to the nutcracker museum but I’m worried I’m going to “accidentally” knock over all the nutcrackers.

But also, what if the owner walks over to me when I knock them all over, and says, “Now you’ve done it!…

…you’ve unlocked the secret chamber. Come with me.”