Pellets from the Universe

HUSBAND: …It’s called, “shakshouka.” It’s got eggs, tomatoes, peppers, onion, garlic, sometimes carrot.

ME: (only hearing the part about it being named shakshouka) I don’t know what that is!

HUSBAND: You don’t know what a CARROT is??

ME: Are you always getting sick just because some kids want to sneeze in your mouth?

BFF: yeah.

ME: Have you been chugging fruit?

BFF: I actually do get these health supplement juice shots from whole foods but also Zicam.

ME: Zicam? I’ve never heard of that. What’s that? I imagine it’s an immune system booster. Either that, or steroids.

Your balls shrinking, dude?

Because too much of that shit is not good for you.

Even if it makes you beefy.

And gives you a thick neck.

What if Rihanna was on stage singing “Stay,” and at the end of the song, when there’s silence, she just says, “Should I get a bulbasaur?”

Every time I listen to a song and my husband asks who does the song it’s Adele.

Every time.

Imagine a movie about a guy who hears a woman screaming in a parking lot. He goes and grabs a big stick and heads downstairs from his apartment to the parking lot.

Then it turns out, there’s a guy in the parking lot, hassling a girl. The guy with the stick says:

“Hey. Let her go, or I’m gonna get you with this big stick here.” (He points to the stick he’s holding)

Then the guy hassling the girl pushes her. She runs away.

Then the guy says back to big stick guy, “Oh yeah? Well I got a gun. Make my day.”

You gotta guess who wins by the end of the movie.

The movie’s named “Gun vs. Stick”.

My great grandma used to have a cookie jar of a Christian monk, holding a sign that said, “Thou Shalt Not Steal Cookies”.

My cousin and I used to break into her house when she would be taking a nap and we would take cookies from the cookie jar and look at all her house plants.

We used to read the sign on the cookie jar.

“Hey look, Kristi, it says, ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal Cookies’”. Then we would laugh.

I guess that’s just the madness of irony.

When my brother was 5 years old, he used to play the pokemon games, and try to get through them as fast as possible, up until he got to the game corner. Then he would spend hours, days even, just playing the slot machines.

At the time, I just thought he had a crippling gambling addiction, but turns out, he was trying to get enough coins for a porygon.

🎵 I wanna pet you like an animal…

…You bring me closer to dogs! 🎵

My husband and I were looking at a photo of the pokemon slowbro, and we were trying to figure out how the shell attached to him eats.

ME: Maybe he hands the shell a little bit of food through the slit in his mouth?

HUSBAND: *looking at the photo again* Oh. I know how he feeds him…

ME: I just found out about dickbutt.

BFF: Oh my sweet summer child.