Pellets from the Universe

If I have to hear my husband get drunk and give me a TED Talk about the Beauty of Anime one more time, my tentacles are gonna bust out of my shirt and strangle him to death.

I had no idea Benny Blanco and his monobrow were musicians.

I knew Selena Gomez wanted to marry him, but I figured it was because he just had a huge dick.

Have you ever eaten magic mushrooms before?

I think it made me have a rapid bipolar cycle in 12 hours.

I wasn’t on any medications at the time.

I got suicidally depressed after the initial high.

When I was at the peak high, I laughed harder than I’ve ever laughed in my entire life, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to piss my pants or barf.

It was PAINFUL!

I’m 4 days away from my 1 year weed sobriety anniversary, but I can’t decide how I want to celebrate.

I think I either want to smoke a telephone pole size joint all at once and be the first person to die from weed, or I want to walk past a Taco Bell at 2am, walk through a misting of weed smoke from the drive thru, and immediately have a panic attack.

My husband’s mom made a gluten free bread that tastes like straight bird seed but I told him to tell his mom I loved it.

Sometimes lying is actually good.

I ate an entire chocolate bar in two days.

I’m PRAYING it all goes to my ass.

They call themselves “Maroon 5,” but it’s actually 6 guys and not one of them wearing maroon.

*audience laughs nervously*

I respect the troops.

I don’t care about a big battleship, though.

I thought I would.

Then I went on one and I didn’t care!

My mom told me today that the old amalgam fillings I have in my teeth expand and put toxic metals in your brain.

I told her her, yeah, they’re probably putting toxic metals into our brains but there’s also plastic swimming around in there.

Who cares?

It’s flag day tomorrow and we don’t own a flag??