Pellets from the Universe

Me: Hey guess what, I didn’t hear from you all day and this time I didn’t assume you got murdered or went to the insane asylum.

BFF: 🙏

Me: How was your date?

BFF: It was good. I did a cartwheel and scared the shit out of his cat.

Me: To be fair, cats are scared of everything. They’re afraid of a plastic bag shaking a little bit in the other room.

You were probably only the fifth thing that day that scared the cat.

Me: You got what everybody like. You’re like hot Mother Teresa.

BFF: Thank you so much.

Me: I remember where I was the night princess Diana died. I remember the TV show I was watching was interrupted by the news.

BFF: I was at Disney World!

Me: That’s the worst place to find out tragic news. The happiest place on earth.

BFF: We found out at a bus stop newspaper thing getting on the shuttle from our hotel. And then the same thing happened when Aaliyah died.

Me: You were at Disney World and found out Aaliyah died from the bus stop newspaper then too??

BFF: Yes, I swear.

Me: Remind me never to go with you to Epcot.

My grandpa just celebrated his 90th birthday.

My mom says he’s been at peace with his inevitable death since he was 19 years old because he got cancer at that age.

It’s actually really inspiring to me, because I’m afraid of death, or at least I think I am pretty afraid of it every time I think I’m gonna die.

Like when I see a spider in the bathroom.

Me: Did you see what I texted you about Jerry Springer and Oprah?

It sounds like I’m saying they’re together now.

BFF: I feel like it could work tbh.

Me: I want Oprah and Jerry Springer to give it a chance but I think she’s with Gayle.

Remember when kids used to not know who the president was?

Well not anymore.

Even KIDS know who the president is!

It’s terrible.

Kids shouldn’t know who the president is.

They should be too busy being kids and playing baseball or sports.

Me: What if you got a package in the mail and it was dripping everywhere and it was some cooked bean stew?

Just put in a cardboard box.

Like a care package.

BFF: No, it’s a gallon ziploc.

With “Get Well Soon” written on the bag in sharpie.

Me: And the pen punctured the bag.

And the postman delivers it to you upside down.

This is a great idea. We gotta add this to the ideas bank for when I’m president.

Everybody in America gets a “care package” delivered to their house.

And the whole country smells like bean stew.

And everybody’s working at the factory trying to get all this bean stew out.

And ziploc is making a killing.

They’re a monopoly power now.

The government is bankrupt.

It’s called the “American Feed Plan”.

Get it?

Because it’s Americans feeding like horses on their feed: beans.

Just like horses eat.

And they’re pretty strong.

Me: I keep remembering how your 12th birthday was ruined because Josie and the Pussycats was sold out at the movie theater and we had to see Joe Dirt instead.

BFF: I know. FML

Me: I bet I was secretly like, “I hope Josie and the Pussycats is sold out so we can watch Joe Dirt.”

I called beforehand and bought every ticket to Josie and the Pussycats.

And then we get there and I’m like, “Oh no, it’s sold out?? I guess we have to see Joe Dirt now!”

BFF: I’m going on a date.

Me: Have you ever seen his house?

BFF: Not yet.

Me: Maybe it’s fucked up. Maybe he has a nudie firefighter calendar.

BFF: I’m going there Saturday.

Me: Well don’t get murdered. Find out about the calendar.