Remember that book about that spider who wrote in the web, “Some Pig” and then it made it so the humans wouldn’t eat the pig?
And then the spider wrote in its web, “Also don’t eat the spider” and so the humans decided not to eat the spider too?
Just kidding.
It’s so sad though that in the real book they ate the spider 
Game show host: Hello! And welcome to the game show that asks you… *holds up hand to ear*
Audience: What. Do. You. Waaaaaant!!!!!!?
Game show host: Haha, that’s right! It’s the game show where we asked contestants what they want! Now, our first contestant is Annie from Arkansas…. Annie, What. Do. You. Want!?
Annie: I want a baby!
Game show host: You got it, Annie. You are now pregnant!
Annie: Oh my God, I just took a pregnancy test and you’re right, I’m finally pregnant! Thank—
*hangs up*
Game show host: All right, our next contestant is Neil from New Jersey. Neil, I gotta ask you: What. Do. You. Want!?
Neil: *awkwardly with a cracking voice* I wanna lose my virginity!
Game show host: You got it, Neil! You are no longer a virgin.
Neil: Wow! You’re right! I can’t believe it!
Game show host: Haha! That’s the ticket! Now for our last contestant, Mary from Massachusetts, What. Do. You. Want!?
Mary: *excitedly* I want a pet frog!
Game show host: Oooooh, sorry about that, Mary, we cannot do that.
Mary: W-what?
Game show host: Yeah we can’t get you a pet frog. That’s too much to ask.
Mary: I don’t understand, everyone else—
*hangs up*
Game show host: All right viewers, that’s all the time we have for today for everybody’s favorite game show, lemme hear it again, audience…
Audience: What. Do. You. Waaaaaaant!!!!?
I have a riddle for you.
What do you call a seed that’s fallen from a pine tree?
A pine corn.
Ok I got another one.
What do you call a seed that falls from an tree?
An eggcorn.
Ok I got another one.
What do you call the thing that grows a husk and is in an ear?
Corn.
That’s not a joke as much as a fact.
Sometimes I wonder how the government is really protecting us and saving us from ourselves.
I get banning plastic bags, I guess, because those are just going to end up in a landfill, as part of the human fossil record, for forever.
But I’m not so sure about the paper straws, and paying to use a paper bag as a tax.
As if that’s going to build a bridge faster or make a bike lane safer.
Paper straws are a symbol of oppression.
This is how I’m a little conservative.
Because I love FREEDOM.
I want the freedom, where I live, to do dangerous shit like fishing off the side of the highway where cars are zooming past me at 70 mph.
That’s FREEDOM.
And I love it.
I love going to red states.
Their streets are safe, they have beautiful, clean parks, and everyone’s armed, but it like, doesn’t matter.
I read an article, about 10 years ago, that said open carry people always get the police called on them by citizens who think they’re going to shoot up the grocery store and the police have to come and ask for their gun permit. LOL
I don’t know, seems like hassle.
Shooting someone with a gun until they’re dead, seems like, why do that when you can just pepper spray the shit out of their eyes and run away?
All because why? Because it’s not manly?
If you shoot someone and kill them, even in self-defense, you gotta have a whole trial to see if you really were doing it in self-defense, and make sure it wasn’t just murder, etc.
I don’t know.
Seems like a hassle.
Me: Did you have teeth pulled out as a kid? Or were you just born without a bunch of teeth?
BFF: Yeah a whole bunch
Me: Remember when we used to think America was the melting pot and everyone was proud of it?
BFF: Yum now I want an apple dipped in hot cheese
The Bull Run sounds like a really bad idea.
Let’s get a bunch of bulls really pissed off and have them attack people, running down the streets, screaming the whole fucking time.
I just thought of a reality show.
It’s a camera crew following you around Target while you look at things and show the camera the items and say, “That’s cute, isn’t it?”
For like 6 hours.
Each episode is 6 hours.
It’s a cozy show for people to fall asleep to.
And at the end of the episode you don’t buy anything.
And the Target closes and all the lights are turned off and you turn to the camera and say, “Well I guess this is goodnight for me!” and you hide in the clothing rack and go to sleep.
BFF: I just got back from a date and guess what: he has a job!
ME: Get that fuckin health insurance, girl!!
Pellets from the Universe 