Pellets from the Universe

I just found out that football fields aren’t made of grass anymore.

It’s turf.

It’s plastic grass.

Every future generation is more babied than the last.

I remember, as elementary school kids, when we would go play soccer, which I hated, for P.E., it was on GRASS and we’d all get muddy.

Our clothes ruined with grass and mud stains.

Our skin all torn and bloody.

And for some reason, the grass smelled like/was raw sewage!

I just found out my ex-boyfriend is a big shot career man and has a house on the waterfront.

Who in the fuck is my generation and has a house on the waterfront?

Fuck.

A waterfront view.

Right on the beach.

Fucking asshole.

I’m so glad that’s not my life.

Looking out every morning on the sunrise over that beautiful waterfront view.

Fuck that.

I’d rather be burned in a fire.

I hope he has a gorgeous wife and beautiful sons.

I just wish that little fucker the best.

I didn’t realize until I sobered up that:

1. I didn’t want to have sex with him, and
2. that he reminded me of my grandpa.

My grandparents were farmers. As in, grew up on a farm farming grapes. In the 1920s or whatever.

They said when they were kids they had gas pumps on their property because:

1. The nearest gas station was too far away.
2. They need it for filling up tractors so they could do agriculture.

Then they BOTH told me their parents would hide the gas pump handles from them because otherwise they would fill up the tractors and go joy riding.

KIDS playing with TRACTORS and GASOLINE for FUN!

BFF: My ex-husband’s mom and siblings used to huff the big barrels of gas on their property all the time as kids.

ME: That explains a lot.

BFF: Idk why they had those barrels.

ME: For huffing.

My husband was away for a work trip and I’m useless at household chores, so he does a lot of it and then my best friend and I had this conversation:

ME: I was trying to use the dishwasher and it gave me this message that said, “Rinse Aid” so my first thought was, I must not have rinsed them enough first, but I did, and it’s a new dishwasher.

Then I thought about it, and I was like, well the dishwasher’s only half full and I’m running it. I don’t know if that’s bad for it or not. So I just ran it.

I hope it doesn’t explode and I get shrapnel.

I feel like Paris Hilton.

BFF: It’s totally fine to run the dishwasher half full. And rinse aid is optional. You can buy rinse aids to prevent hard water spots.

ME: What would I do with you??

My dishwasher would explode and I’d get shrapnel.

That’s what.

Anybody want to hear me release an album that’s 2 hours of oboe solos?

Good News: My husband fixed the internet!

Bad News: He broke it in the first place.

ME: I know your name but… can I call you Krayzie Bone?

BFF: PLEASE

BFF: AndI’mgonnamisseverybody

I look like shit and I’m going to drop the garbage off at the dumpster.

(Where I truly belong)