Pellets from the Universe

I should absolutely be allowed to give a Ted Talk on Christina Aguilera’s music.

A sympathy card that says on the outside:

“Oh no, I want you to feel better!!!”

And then on the inside it says:

“Everything sucks!”

I feel like I have beaver teeth.

Perhaps, I’ve been cursed.

Maybe even by someone close to me. Maybe very close to me. Such as:

My best friend.

Who is a witch, probably.

Last time I went rifled through her phone, I found a grocery list and all that was written on it was “eye of newt”.

I hope our next president is a fucking hot guy.

I like to think freedom looks like Yosemite Sam, dressed in American flag pants, walking outside in public, with a big ass blunt hanging out his mouth.

If I was still accepting dating resumes, I would say the guy must have poor eyesight (glasses), have a 4.0 GPA (can get through a People magazine), and run cold (so they’re always wearing a sweater like one of those cats).

Gimme a nerd over a hunky beefcake dude any day!!

A very long time ago, I failed the food handler’s permit test three times before I finally passed it.

I don’t think even today I could pass it.

They should make the test easier.

They should look at your test and be like, “You got 10% of the questions right, but goddamn if you’re not cute as a button! That’s a PASS for you! Now go on out there and give someone food poisoning!”

When I was a little kid, in the car with my mom, sometimes she would reach over and tickle me when I wasn’t looking and then say, “Uh oh, the crab’s back…”

And I really thought a crabs lived in cars.

Turns out, they do.

Hawk Tuah took the country by storm.

Hawk Tuah was America’s Sweetheart.

Then she accidentally did a memecoin rug pull scam that the SEC said wasn’t her fault/is fine.

Is there anything more patriotic and American than that?

God bless, Hawk Tuah.

My favorite Beach Boys lyric is, “I’m a cork on the ocean, floating over the raging sea. I’m a rock in a landslide, rolling over the mountainside.”

Because I feel like that.

A grain of sand on a beach is the equivalent size of my entire galaxy that I live in, among other grain of sand galaxies, on this beach we call the universe.

And here I am, just existing.

Wasting it all.

I “get” to be conscious, and I don’t think that’s a lucky thing, I think it just is.

Because the nature of the universe doesn’t care about me like I’m a little baby with their mommy.

I think nature is cruel, even.

You ever see a bear eat a salmon ALIVE??